Religion of doubt
I was born into a good, Calvinist, Dutch Reform family. Although I went to dull, dry services and although I kicked the pew in front of me until it was time to go home, I used to pretend that the sunlight falling through the stained glass windows onto the bench was actually God himself coming to sit next to me. I saw green, red and yellow slithers that danced and I believed that that was God.
I don't think that I was wrong.
Of course, as I grew older, I grew more disillusioned. I lived as an agnostic for a long time. In college, I was met by a group of fundamentalist Christians who invited me to Bible study. It would be the first time I would read the Bible myself. They counseled me through my depression, offered me love and friendship and acceptance, and eventually baptized me for the forgiveness of my sins.
But the shine soon wore off. The immense control of the group and its long lists of rules and codes of conduct tore me down. Being a Christian equaled oppression and harm. I was told how to spend my time, I was told how to believe, I was told to confess every intimate sin, I was told how to cut my hair and who to date and what to wear. Around about the time I decided that I could no longer live with the burden of God in my life, I was introduced to the writings of Rob Bell, Brian McLaren, Doug Pagitt and Phyllis Tickle. At first, their books made me so angry that I threw them against the wall. They were the "spiritual pornographers" my church had warned me against. But later, the freedom they offered was engrossing.
I have been a Reformist, a Restorationist, a Wiccan. I have worked for Evangelicals and I currently work for the Dutch Reform Movement. I am married to a man ingrained in the Jewish way of thinking. I've been a missionary and an atheist.
What drew me to the emergent movement was the idea that I no longer had to have all the answers. I no longer had to listen to a "brother" who told me that I was going to hell for wearing a skirt that rose above the knee or a pastor who called me a liberal fool
I no longer had to decide – for once and for all – that whether or not my homosexual best friend was going to hell or not. I no longer cared whether the Creationist or the Scientific view of Genesis was accurate. I no longer had to judge others. I no longer had to judge myself and my own performance.
But I also struggled with boundaries. Because at the end of the day, when you have more questions than answers, you feel a little bit lost. The freedom I found after leaving the church, soon become oppressive in itself.
I occasionally feel as though I'm in spiritual limbo. I don’t attend any more churches, because I hate the abuse that comes with fundamentalism and moral absolutes as well as the chaotic, emotive "worship" of more liberal churches. But I miss being part of something.
Yann Martel said, "If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation."
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welcome to your story
Estelle
Thank you for your openness and honesty. I feel like you paid a price to get that into words.
Stories such as yours hurt, because we all share in such struggles, and while some of us repress our doubts, others are transformed by them into a place of greater faith. In my mind, faith cannot exist without doubt, nor doubt without faith. They should not be dualistically opposed, but held in tension. Faith without doubt is a fantasy, and a recipe for disaster.
I am usually ready to listen to the person who has ranged a bit, so your "chequered" past is neither repugnant to piety nor grist for triumphant testimony, but an honest map of your life.
I long for those from the reformed tradition to emerge, because theirs are hardcore virtues: determination and thoroughness. My prayer is that they would BE reforming, and stop using the wonderful R word in the past tense.
Welcome to my story, too!
Hi Nic,
I am quite positive about the Reformed churches. I sat in on their leadership meetings, and there are great thinkers among them. Their challenges are vast - they have over 2 million members, with one evangelist leading up to a 1000 people. Others minister in small towns, with only about 80 people, and are being crippled by loneliness and isolation and poverty. It boggles the mind. But I'm so glad to work with them and see the love of God and the desire to change in them.
On abusive churches - I have little hope. It is immensely difficult to describe the challenges of being in the ICOC. (Google them!). The utter corruption and abuse exercised in the "Name of God" is awful - little children are growing up believing that God will send them to Hell for just being themselves. I sometimes wonder if that isn't what Jesus meant when he spoke of "blaspheming the Holy Spirit".
But I don't mean to sound negative - which I think I may have done here. If I didn't have a fundamentalist, evangelical, reformed, restorationist, athiest, heretical, Messianic background - I would be poorer in faith, understanding and even, personality than I am today!
And I believe that God has loved me so very deeply thorough all those experiences...I mean, I could have remained a Bible-basher or an unbeliever or a discouraged pew-warmer. But I didn't. At some places, the road was bumpier than others. At least I've walked the walk! I fully embraced (and divorced) every church. I didn't hop around casually.
This year - I will celebrating Advent for the first time, something which was forbidden in my previous church. I hope to light the candles and meditate on all that has transpired. A phrase that a colleague used stuck by my, whenever I feel sad about wasted years and youth in an abusive or cold temple - "But God is good..."
Yes, I don't have a church service to go to on Christmas. Yes, my friends in the ICOC have shunned me as an unbeliever...BUT God is good...
I believe that He is doing something in my life and in this country. As Phyllis Tickle said, the age of Protestantism is fading, and something new and exciting will step up to the plate...
Heh Estelle thankyou
I just wanted to join Nic in thanking you for your honesty - it was hugely refreshing and felt that so many would echo often the frustrations of what we have defined as "church".And heh you are so welcome into our space on Christ - Mass day.
the dangers of the pyramid
Does this look like the church you were with?
(From wikipedia.)
Dangers of pyramid
That is pretty accurate, although it doesn't describe the oppressive leadership. We were actually (without our knowledge) put on "sin" lists and "weak lists". Eg. I would confess a sin to a discipler, who would pass it all the way up to the Top. Which would then make it to the pulpit on Sundays.
PS
PS. I was always on the weak list!
I spent the last year interviewing members and ex-members...the stories are heartbreaking. One man had an illegitimate child with a member's daughter, and she gave it up for adoption without his consent. He is still looking. Other women left their husbands because they weren't in the church, and therefore - not Christians.
Even sadder, one church leader (and genuinely nice guy) committed suicide because of the pressure to perform.
I must emphasize that despite all that, I still stayed on for 7 years and tried to change things. But who's going to listen to someone that they think "has been given over to Satan"?
I'm grieved
Personally, I'm grieved by all of this. I think that all of this is totally unnecessary - this ostracising, elitist stuff that has no place whatsoever in God's church and has nothing to do with the Holy Spirit at all.
I'm usually fairly quiet and am not one to criticise but when someone loses their life because a doctrine is so absolutely ungodly, while people insist it's godly, my heart is grieved.
The elitist attitude of "we're the real Christians and you're not" is nothing short of disgusting heresy, using the word heresy by early church standards. For they are those who left us (the rest of the church) for they were not of us. People who claim to be the 'set apart of the set apart ones' are guilty of heresy. After all, this is the command we have heard from the beginning: that we should love one another. Whoever does not love abides in death (1 John 3:14).
We are commanded, by Scripture, to work these things out amongst ourselves and ensure that love remains within us. Our differences are largely only a matter of opinion, not a matter of the Spirit; for there is only one Spirit and one Baptism-- there is no elitist Spirit or baptism, and the Scriptures are strong on this.
Estelle, I can only say this: abide in His love. This way, you will not go wrong. The wind blows where it pleases, and He will guide you into all truth, as He promises, so long as you abide in His love. As for those that ostracise you, they, too, will be arrested by the Spirit someday. You ought to love them and pray for them.
Someday, too, you'll probably have to find a church but I imagine that, right now, ANY church - nomatter how free and wonderful - may remind you of things from your previous church. Only abide in Him, obey Him, and let Him lead you to where He wills.
I am tempted to say much stronger things about this hyper-fundamentalist rubbish, but I might overstep what is right by doing so. But I know the Lord is good and He will do what is right and true.
www.ryanpeterwrites.com
"The Glory of God is man fully alive" - St Iraneaus
In the name of love
Stray - thanks, I feel similarly. We normally exclude because we fear, and love as we are coming to understand, should cast this fear out, even if gradually. I do like the term "abide", even with its oldtimer associations. An emergent gospel is an inclusive gospel.
A quarter century ago someone yelped:
One man come in the name of love
One man come and go
One come he to justify
One man to overthrow
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
One man caught on a barbed wire fence
One man he resist
One man washed on an empty beach.
One man betrayed with a kiss
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
(nobody like you...)
Early morning, April 4
Shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your pride
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love
In the name of love
What more in the name of love...
Say a little prayer
I don't know which church leader first figured out that fear is the perfect control mechanism (or does it come from a natural insecurity - that we inherently believe we are not good enough when we face God? Thinking of the Israelites cowering below the mountain...) but it has seeped into Christian thinking, contaminating lives.
Say a little prayer for everybody in the fundamentalist/charismatic/evangelical camp. And don't, in turn, exclude them. I've met many people through my work and journey that are impossible to talk to - it's like bashing your head against a wall. Others can offer surprising insights. I do believe that they genuinely love God - or did, at some point. I'll never forget standing next to a friend of mine who suddenly starting weeping during a hymn, saying, "Wow, He died, he won, he died, I get it now..."
The problem is that even God's love is turned into a weapon. Part of the manipulation tactics I was exposed to as an ICOC member involved reading a medical account of the Crucifixion and talking through God's love.... in order to "break you" and bow you over with guilt because you "personally did that to Jesus"!
If you skipped services you were asked, "But don't you LOVE God?" It's harsh. It becomes about politics and rising up in authority.
I also like the word "abide". I believe that I joined a fundamentalist sect because I truly loved the message of grace and peace and wanted to change my life and world for the better. I did not abide in him, however, and went chasing after other things: the number of people I could baptize, the amount of praise I could get, the number of Scriptures I could recite.
I meet a great number of people through my work - from all walks of life - and I get to attend a great number of churches. I believe that I will find a community to call my own and I believe that they will be flawed, too. But that's not my priority right now. I just want to enjoy exploring my faith and getting to know a new kind of Jesus, all over again.
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